Bad Puppy
by darkjewel79
Summary: It is spring in the feudal era, and love is in the air.  Let the chaos ensue!  A new take on an old plot device.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Crack fic ahoy! I blame this on a bottle of wine and one too many 'going into heat' fics. Don't get me wrong, I read that genre, but I have definitely read one too many. Any hint of a plot is a figment of your imagination, and any OOC behavior is pretty much to be expected. One shot for now, but who knows . . .

And I don't own the characters or the story that I have twisted to my own diabolical purposes.

------

"Ah."

Steam filled the air as the two lovely ladies sank into hot water up to their chins. They each had their ink black hair piled up on top of their heads, small tendrils trailing down around eyes closed in ecstasy. The rough rocks they were sitting on did nothing to ruin this one blissful moment.

"Sango, I think heaven is a hot spring."

The demon slayer made a sound that seemed like an agreement, but Kagome was not sure her friend was even listening to her. Giving a slight shrug, she let the quiet buzz of nighttime insects take care of the conversation. For that moment, life in feudal Japan was perfect.

Water rippled as Sango tipped her head to the side, her eyes still closed. The ripple caught the second girl's attention and she opened her eyes. There was no mistaking the small crease between the slayer's brows, or the tightening around her mouth. Kagome bit back a sigh. Her voice was quieter then the insects around them. "Where is he?"

"To the left, behind the boulder."

"Is it just him?"

"I think so."

Kagome rolled her eyes, keeping herself from looking over at the boulder in question. "What are we going to do with him this time?"

The water rippled again as Sango reached down, eyes still closed so as to not scare her prey off. A rock about the size of a baseball was selected. "The same thing that I usually do with him."

"And how are you going to get him if he's behind the boulder?"

"Off of the bank, then bounce it off of the tree behind him."

Kagome bit her lip to keep from giggling and giving the plan away. Mirokou would never see this coming. Sango's aim was down right deadly.

Erupting from the water like a vengeful goddess, the slayer threw her newest weapon with all of her pent up frustration behind it. The projectile flew through the air, bouncing off of the edge of the spring, then off of a tree, and finally slamming into something behind the boulder in question. That something let out a grunt and fell to the ground.

"Hentai."

"Should we check on him?" Kagome swam closer to Mirokou's hiding place, looking for signs of life while clutching a cloth to her body like a shield.

"I am not worried about him." Sango scrubbed at herself viciously, the fire still crackling in her eyes. "His head is much too thick to break with a rock."

Evidently, Sango needed some time to cool off. Kagome wavered between staying with her friend and checking on the injured monk.

"Hey, Kagome? What's going on?" Shippou bounced up to the spring. "I smell blood."

"Blood?" Kagome whipped around to stare at the young kitsune with wide eyes. "Shippou, check on him! Is he breathing?"

The kit jumped around the boulder, disappearing from sight. A long moment later his muffled voiced reached the young woman. "He's breathing, but Sango got him good this time."

"Bath time's over." Kagome hauled herself out of the water, toweling herself off quickly. "Inuyasha will be here any second to see what the problem is, and we need to check on Mirokou."

"Fine, Kagome." Sango followed her friend out of the water, drying off quickly.

Kagome spotted a quick, worried glance directed at the boulder before Sango put her indifferent and offended expression back on. The girl from the future turned her head away before her smile was noticed and questioned.

"What the hell's going on? Why's the monk bleeding?"

Both girls whipped around to face a white haired hanyou. Kagome was almost nose to nose with him, gold eyes filling her view. She blinked, her brain slowly running through the rapidly changing situation.

_Twitchy white ears. Check._

_Irate gaze. Check._

_One hand on Tetsaiga. Check._

_Tapping foot. Check._

'That's an affirmative, we have one irritated dog boy.' Kagome went to put her hands on her hips, and realized one thing she needed to add to her check list.

_Clothes on Kagome. Not check._

"Osuwarii!"

"Bah!" The hanyou disappeared into a hole with just his ears visible above the ground. Muffled, he started the familiar rant. "What the hell was that for, wench?"

"You were looking at me! And don't call me a wench!" Kagome yanked on a tank top, rummaging around in her bag for a pair of panties.

"Not my fault you were running around like . . . like . . . that!"

"Osuwarii!" Now secure in her panties, Kagome glared down at the hanyou while she hopped on one leg and pulled on her pajama pants.

"Damnit!"

"Hey, Kagome? Can you let Inuyasha up? I think he's going to need to carry Mirokou back to camp." Sango poked her head around the boulder, now fully dressed. "He's out cold."

Inuyasha gave a tug, but the spell held him tight. "Make Kirara do it!"

"She's out hunting, Inuyasha, and you should be more sensitive! She has feelings, you know." Kagome considered giving him another sit, but Sango looked kind of worried. 'How hard did she hit our pet pervert this time?'

"No way I'm carrying his perverted ass. He'll wake up soon enough."

"Inuyasha. . . "

"Don't even think about it, Kagome."

"I'll 'it' you until you're a little puddle of puppy goo unless you help your friend."

"Fine! Fine! I'll carry the damn pervert back. Probably not even out. Probably just hopin' Sango's the one to carry him back."

All eyes turned to the unmoving monk. Sango nudged him with her foot. "How can we tell if he's really out?"

Shippou struck a thoughtful pose, his hand on his chin. "We have to do something that makes him want to move."

The slayer jumped back, glaring at the kit. "There's only one thing that will make this monk move."

"But if you want to know . . . "

Sango looked at the monk, then back to the kit. Back and forth. "Oh, fine. But he better be unconscious." The slayer knelt down at Mirokou's side, her tempting derriere easily within reach. "Nothing."

Kagome moved in closer, watching Mirokou carefully. "Maybe he needs more encouragement."

"I can't believe this!" Inuyasha had finally escaped from his puppy shaped crater and was now joining them to study the unmoving monk. "You spend all that time beating the crap out of him for touching you, and now you're trying to make him do it?"

"Come on, Inuyasha, even near death he can't resist Sango. I'm getting worried." Kagome turned worried eyes to her friend. "Try something else."

Sango leaned forward until her lips were a breath away from the monk's. She blushed brightly as his breath ruffled her drying hair, but the monk made no move. Slowly, as though in a trance, she set her lips against his.

An arm twitched, fingers curling up to brush ever so softly against the object of Mirokou's desire.

Jerking back, the slayer smiled before realization hit her. "Hentai!" A sharp slap snapped the monk's head to the side and made the arm fall limp again.

Shippou shook his head. "He's alive."

"What the hell? You just kissed him to wake him up, then knock him out again?" Inuyasha grabbed the monk, tossing him over his shoulder. "Do you want him dead or not?"

"No! I just . . . " Sango faltered, blushing so brightly that Kagome worried her friend would burst into flames. "It's just a habit now, I guess."

"I'm moving him to camp before you break what's left of his brain." The hanyou stomped off, Mirokou bouncing along on his shoulder and Shippou running ahead.

Sango stared after them, still kneeling behind the boulder. Her dark eyes sought out her friend. "I didn't mean to. It just happened."

"The kiss, or the smack?"

"Both, I guess."

"I don't think Mirokou will mind." Kagome gave her friend a bright smile. "After all, you did kiss him."

"What?" Sango snapped out of her trance. "I did not!"

"Really? Then what do you call it when you press your lips against someone else's? And you closed your eyes. That's definitely a kiss."

"No! I was just trying to see if he was okay!"

"Sure, Sango." Kagome turned to gather her things, trying to not sound completely sarcastic. "I don't remember anyone saying to kiss him. That was all you."

"It worked, though."

"Sure, until you knocked him out again. Still, I don't think it's going to matter to Mirokou."

Sango scooped up her own bathing supplies, trying to ignore the taunting. "He won't even remember."

"Do you really think Inuyasha isn't going to mention you knocking him out again, or why you did it?"

The slayer slowly turned to look at her friend, then grabbed Hiriakotsu and bolted back towards camp with all of the speed that a lifetime of training could give her. Her bathing supplies were left in a heap by the spring.

Chuckling, Kagome started to pick up her friend's things. 'I wonder if she'll get there before Mirokou wakes up again.' It was a little awkward balancing her own belongings and Sango's, and the result was inevitable.

"Shoot."

Kagome dropped to the ground to gather up the scattered sponges and bottles. Ignoring what was being done to her pajamas, she moved on her hands and knees to retrieve the bottles that had tried to escape. She managed to catch them before they disappeared back into the hot spring. "Gotcha!"

She froze, eyes wide. Her voice had sounded so loud, and now she noticed how quiet it had become. The insects were silent. Slowly, her cobalt blue eyes swept her surroundings, looking for the threat that the primitive part of her mind was screaming about.

_There!_

Kagome froze, unable to obey her mind's commands to run for her life. She was caught in the gaze of a predator and all conscious thought had broken down. Slowly, slowly, he was approaching her.

Sesshomaru.

His usual golden gaze was the color of new blood, and the regal stance was now feral. Fangs were peeking out from between his lips. His gaze was locked on her as he prowled forward.

Still on the ground, Kagome's brain struggled to kick start. 'This is bad, this is bad, this is bad, I've got to get out of here RIGHT NOW!' She tried to lunge to her feet, but her sudden movement snapped the taiyoukai out of his trance. He simply appeared next to her, pressing his body against her side and trapping her with his arm. His breath was ruffling her hair, and she could feel claws pressing against her skin.

'I'm dead! I am so dead! He's going to dissolve me into a little puddle of green slime and . . . wait a minute . . . is that . . . ' Kagome's head turned slowly, looking at the taiyoukai that was pressed tightly against her. She might have been a virgin, but she knew a hard on when she felt one. What else was at that particular spot on a male demon that was long and hard?

'Somebody, anybody, get me out of here! He's got a stiffy!' Kagome resumed her struggles, sucking in a breath to scream her head off. She felt movement against her side, and almost passed out when her brain suggested what was probably happening to her poor, innocent side.

"Lemme go right now, you horny dog!"

Using the same tactic that has been saving women from drunk, horny men in bars for centuries, Kagome drove her elbow into the part of Sesshomaru's anatomy that was grinding against her. With a gurgle, the taiyoukai dropped to his knees, cradling his crotch with his hand.

The now free human was not sticking around to gloat. Kagome took off like a rocket, leaving the taiyoukai and bath supplies in the dirt. She was in a frenzy when she arrived at camp. "Sess . . . shomaru . . . hard on . . . grinding me. . . horny dog . . . "

"Where is that bastard?" Inuyasha landed next to Kagome, sniffing at her. "Damn, Kagome, you reek of him!"

"Weren't you listening?" Kagome grabbed one fluffy ear and dragged the hanyou down so that he was lined up with her mouth. "Your brother . . . "

"Half brother."

"Was humping on my leg!"

A cricket chirped softly. Mirokou picked up his head, looking about with a foggy expression. "And what, exactly, did I miss?"

"Ah, hell." Inuyasha stuffed his arms inside of his sleeves. "Of all the places for him to be."

Sango tentatively raised a hand. "Kagome, when you say . . . humped . . . "

"It means that the almighty king of bastards was humping on her like a dog in heat. 'Cause he is." Inuyasha glared at the trees, his gaze pointed towards the hot springs and his only living relative. "Damnit all."

"Heat?" Kagome looked at Sango and Shippou, but only got a pair of blank stares. "But, isn't he a boy dog demon?"

"I've got my doubts about him being a guy, but all the inuyoukai do that heat thing. You should be thanking your lucky stars he only does this once in awhile." Inuyasha leaned against a tree looking at the two young women. "It lasts about a week, and he will be the unholy terror of Japan until it's over. No one's safe."

"Will he kill someone?"

"What? Hell no, he's just going to hump on anything that has a pulse."

Mirokou smiled. "Anything female, you mean."

"Nuh uh, monk. I mean anything. Up to having your ass grabbed?" Inuyasha smirked as the injured monk suddenly got really active.

"I think that it would be in the best interest of the ladies if we were to move away from this threat." Mirokou already had his staff in hand, heading back towards the road.

Inuyasha rolled his eyes and stood. "Too late." He turned to find Sesshomaru glaring at them with red eyes, still cradling his groin. "Damn, Kagome, what'd you do to him?"

"What? What do you mean, what did I do to him? I was defending myself!" Kagome glared at the hanyou even as she backed away from the crazed inuyoukai.

"But, you hit him right in the kahonies, wench! Even if he is Sesshomaru, you shouldn't hit a guy in the jewels like . . . "

"Osuwarii!"

Kagome realized her mistake the second Inuyasha hit the dirt. Sesshomaru was staring at her and Sango, his gaze hungry. Both girls started to back up, with Kagome mumbling, "Nice boy, good boy."

"Damnit, wench, see if I help you now!" Inuyasha pulled his head up enough to peek over the edge of his new hole.

Mirokou gave the hanyou a reproving glare. "Inuyasha, you would not leave Kagome to be attacked by Sesshomaru, or worse." He made a move towards the girls, but received a nasty growl for his troubles that sent Shippou running for cover.

"Yeah, yeah, but she better quit saying 'it' or she's on her own!"

Sesshomaru appeared behind the two girls, pulling them both up tight against him. Sango's eyes bulged when she realized exactly what the inyoukai was pressing against her backside.

"No! Bad doggie! No sex!" Kagome twisted around to face her assailant and rapped Sesshomaru on the nose, making him pause and look at her. "You heard me! Drop it!"

The taiyoukai growled and pulled them both tighter against him.

"I said no sex!" The fearless girl rapped him on the nose again, putting all of her righteous indignation into the hit. This time the inuyoukai released them and stepped back with a whine. Behind her, Kagome could hear Inuyasha burst out laughing.

"Good boy." Kagome straightened out her tank top and looked over Sango. "Are you okay?"

"Just a little freaked out." The slayer looked the taiyoukai over, noting the way he was sitting on his haunches and staring at Kagome. "What are we going to do with him?"

"I've got some ideas."

Sango and Kagome glanced at each other. "Shut up, Inuyasha."

"Wench . . . "

Sesshomaru growled and slowly rose to his feet, glaring at the hanyou who was now approaching the two women.

Mirokou was still watching from a safe distance with Shippou. "Uh, Inuyasha? Perhaps you should come away from the ladies."

Kagome slammed her hands on her hips and upped the wattage on her glare, targeting the disobedient taiyoukai. "No. No bite Inuyasha without permission."

The mighty taiyoukai whined, giving a look that should have been a heart melting rendition of 'puppy eyes' if not for the red glare and fangs.

"Osuwarii!"

Inuyasha slammed to the ground, even as Sesshomaru resumed his crouch.

"Oops! I didn't mean that one, Inuyasha! I was talking to Sesshomaru."

"I don't think the damn rosary knows the difference, wench!" The white, fluffy ears twitched. "Did it actually work on that bastard?"

Sango stared in amazement at the taiyoukai sitting at the edge of camp. "It actually did."

"Well, Kagome, it would appear that you now have two puppies to care for." Mirokou poked at Inuyasha with his staff. "I would bet that the older brother will be easier to train."

"You're dead as soon as this spell wears off, you pervert monk!" Inuyasha strained against the rosary, but it had not released yet.

The monk eased up between the two girls, making a great show of studying Sesshomaru. "The change in him is amazing. He is still in his human form, but it seems that his instincts have taken over."

Sango's eyebrow twitched when she felt a familiar hand on her backside. "Why you. . ." She swung, but the monk was gone. She found him easily enough, flat on the ground at her feet with a snarling taiyoukai.

"Gah!" Kagome grabbed the back of Sesshomaru's clothes. "No! Bad! Drop the monk!"

"Yes, drop the monk!" Mirokou yelled while pushing on the taiyoukai's shoulders. It had all of the effect of pushing on Mt. Fuji.

Kagome got a good grip on her new pet's clothes and gave him a hard shake. "Drop it!"

Sesshomaru backed up, resuming his crouch but staying at Kagome's side. She set a hand on his head, which still came up to her chest. "Good, Sesshomaru."

Inuyasha slowly emerged from his hole, laughing. "I don't think anyone's tried this while he's in heat. This is great! What a nice little puppy the bastard makes."

The taiyoukai was growling again, and Kagome tapped him on the nose. "Enough. And you, Inuyasha, quit starting it!"

"You expect me to just ignore him sitting there while some human pets him like she just got a new doggie?"

"What else am I supposed to do, let him terrorize everyone in Japan by humping on their leg?"

Sango clamped a hand over her mouth, trying to keep from laughing.

"I don't care what you do with him, but he's not staying here!"

"She's got a point, Inuyasha." Sango got herself back under control, taking a deep breath to stop any further giggles. "We really can't turn him loose like this, and he seems pretty happy to listen to Kagome."

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! We're not letting that perverted bastard stay here, and that's final!"

Kagome grabbed Sango's hand and put it on Sesshomaru's head, then pointed at the taiyoukai. "Stay." She marched over to Inuyasha, going nose to nose with him.

"I've said 'it' more times today then I have in the last month. I don't want to say 'it' anymore. That doesn't mean I won't 'it' you clear into tomorrow if you don't knock it off right now!" Inuyasha, Mirokou, and even Sesshomaru flinched away from the irate young woman. Her eyes were practically snapping with rage as she glared at her friend. "Well?"

"Fine, the bastard can stay here until he snaps out of it, but the second he's back to normal I'm kicking his ass. And if he gets anywhere near my leg, he's dead."

"Deal." Kagome gave her friend a bright smile.

"No! Bad! Help, Kagome!"

Kagome spun around to find Sango swatting at an amorous taiyoukai, his arm around her middle and riding hard against her hip.

"Bad! No sex!"

----

"Hey, Kagome? He's staring at me again."

Shippou's whisper was definitely not quiet enough to go undetected by the taiyoukai in question, but the kitsune seemed to be beneath Sesshomaru's notice. Kagome swallowed hard and snuck a peek at their guest. "Actually, I think he's staring at me."

"It's creepy."

"You can say that again."

Evidently the taiyoukai's stare was more then the kit could handle. Shippou abandoned his usual post and retreated to his secondary position – Mirokou. Kirara had already retreated to Inuyasha's branch in the tree. Sango watched the kit go with a sigh. "And then there were two."

Kagome echoed her sigh, sagging against the tree. Their new guest would growl and pace if Mirokou or Inuyasha approached either of the girls. He would also start pacing if Sango and Kagome separated. 'I get the feeling that we're going to get a lot of girl time over the next week.' She looked up into a tree across camp, easily finding the amber eyes glaring down. Inuyasha had not come down all night. He had retreated into the tree with his ramen and stayed there. 'I'm sorry, Inuyasha, but I don't want to turn him loose on an unsuspecting island.'

Sesshomaru had started to growl again. A quick check showed that Mirokou was looking at Sango again. "Oh, for heaven's sake. Sesshomaru, come here."

"Kagome!" Sango tugged her friend close by her arm, whispering in her ear. "What are you doing?"

"I think he'll relax if he doesn't think he has to defend us." Kagome patted at the side of her leg, smiling at the red eyed demon. "Come on, Sess-chan."

Inuyasha choked on the last of his ramen, coughing and laughing. "Sess-chan? Sess-chan!?"

"I'm having a hard time calling him killing perfection right now . . . No! No sex!"

Sango whomped the horny beast on the head, making him release Kagome. "Bad, Sess-chan."

The newly dubbed Sess-chan backed up a step and dropped back into his crouch with a whine. Kagome was startled when she realized she felt bad for him. "It's okay, Sess-chan. Settle down."

Still graceful, despite his higher-level thinking being out on vacation, Sesshomaru settled to the ground behind the two girls. He still looked distressed to Kagome, so she ran her hand over his hair. He seemed to like that earlier. The taiyoukai leaned into the touch.

After a moment, Sango could not resist touching the gorgeous creature. "I always wondered what his hair felt like."

"It's so fine. How does he keep it from getting tangled when he fights?"

"I don't know. Hey, Inuyasha?"

"I don't know nothin' about the bastard's hair, alright?" Inuyasha's burst of humor had died as soon as he saw Kagome petting his jack ass half brother. "What do you two think you're doing, anyways?"

"He likes it, and he's calm now." Kagome ghosted her fingers over one pointed ear. "He's behaving himself."

"You know he's going to bite your arm off for that later, right?"

"No, he won't. Not my little Sess-chan." Kagome rubbed Sesshomaru's scalp and he pressed into it. "See?"

"How long is he going to be like this, anyways?" Sango redoubled her efforts on the other side, making Sesshomaru's eyes slide half shut.

"Looks to me like he just started, so about a week. He's not too far gone yet."

"Not too far gone?" Sango paused, earning herself a dirty look form the taiyoukai. "He has already stopped speaking, and he's . . . he's . . . "

"Humping on everyone, yeah, yeah. Wait until he really gets going. He's going to be out of his mind."

"Oh, great." Kagome turned her attention back to her new charge, studying his face as she continued to play with his hair. "So long as you keep it under control, you can stay with me and Sango. Got it, Sess-chan?"

Sesshomaru pressed harder against her hand, keeping eye contact.

"I'll take that as a yes."

Yawning, Sango stood up. "I'm calling it a night."

Once the slayer had stepped away from Kagome and Sesshomaru, the growl was back. Both girls looked at the taiyoukai, then at each other.

"Sango, I think you might want to be over here with me."

"Sure, Kagome." Sango dragged her bed roll over so that it was next to Kagome's. Once the two girls had settled in for the night, side by side, Sesshomaru relaxed as well. The taiyoukai leaned back against the tree behind him, still watching the two women intently.

Kagome let out a mighty yawn. "Good night Inuyasha, Sango, Mirokou, Shippou, Kirara. And Sess-chan."

----

_Warm. Soft. Nice._

Kagome snuggled into her bedding, her mind reveling in the sensations. 'Oh, boy, do I love my bed. Really, really love my bed. Right now, I could write a haiku for my bed. Sleeping outside all of the time makes you really appreciate a mattress. If only I had remembered to shut the curtains before I went to . . . '

Slowly, memories started to piece themselves back together. The hot springs, Sango knocking out Mirokou, fighting with Inuyasha, Sesshomaru. 'When the hell did I go back to my room? Did Inuyasha bring me back?' The lingering pleasure dropped away as her brain switched all the way on. Something here was just not making any sense. She cautiously opened one eye, and all she could see was white. 'What the . . . did I go blind or something?'

The second eye slid open, and she saw exactly the same thing. Before panic could completely take over, she noticed that the white was moving, swaying gently in the breeze. Kagome felt so relieved that she seriously considered just closing her eyes and going back to sleep, but her mind was not satisfied yet. Sure, she wasn't blind, but her mind wanted to know what the heck was going on, and what was with all of the white!

Kagome slowly lifted her head. Her view changed from white to the campsite that she remembered from the night before. Inuyasha was out of sight, still up in the trees. Shippou was snoring away next to Mirokou, and the monk looked like his birthday had come early that year. He was staring at her with his most lecherous grin. 'And what the hell is going on with him?' Finally figuring out that she was not, in fact, in her bedroom, Kagome set her mind to figuring out how she had managed to get her bedroll so soft and warm. She looked down to examine the white fuzz, and found something even more interesting. During the night, Sango had moved. Or maybe Kagome had moved. It didn't really matter, but the end result was that the slayer was pressed rather firmly against her friend.

'Well, that explains Mirokou's grinning. I'm spooning with Sango. That at least explains why I'm so warm. Now on to all of the white.' Kagome left her arm wrapped around her friend's waist, not willing to disturb her any more then necessary until she had finished with her mystery. She followed the white fuzz with her eyes, starting with where it started next to Sango, passing under the slayer and over to where she had snuggled into it. She noticed a boot resting against the fluff, and followed the leg on up to the shoulder of a red eyed taiyoukai, who was staring at her. "Oh. Heh heh. Good morning, Sess-chan. I suppose the fluff is your decoration thingy. When you can talk again, I'd love to hear why you have a big fuzzy boa on your armor."

The morning's silence was destroyed when Inuyasha burst out laughing again. "Oh, damn, Kagome. If the bastard tells you, be sure to let me know. I've always wondered why he hauls that stupid looking thing around. Of course, he's gonna' kill you for that, but tell me first."

Sango's head popped up, blinking like an owl and looking around blindly. "I got, I got, Kirara, that thing is as good as . . . oh. Good morning." The slayer blushed a bit, then glanced down at her waist. Her eyes trailed over the arm she found there, and followed it up to the arm's owner. She seemed a bit surprised, probably expecting a monk and not a young woman. Her blush exploded into a brilliant overlay of red. "Uh, good morning?"

"Heh heh. Sorry about that, Sango. Seems I kind of mistook you for my teddy bear." Kagome snapped her arm away, ignoring the disappointed sigh coming from the monk. "Sleep well?"

"Actually, yes." Sango turned her head so that she could look at Sesshomaru, who had changed over to staring at her. "Between the soft bed and guard, that's the best I've ever slept outside of Kaedae's village. Thanks, Sess-chan."

Quicker then the human eyes could follow, Sesshomaru had jumped on top of the two girls, grinding away for all he was worth.

"No! Bad! Get off!"

Kagome grimaced as she squirmed, trying to find the magic spot to hit and make him back off. "No! Don't tell him to get off, for pity's sake! No sex!"

Sango grunted as she struggled. The youkai had certainly not lost any of his strength. "What do you mean, don't tell him to get off! Do you want him on us?"

"No, and I don't want him getting off on us, either!"

"What are you talking about, Kagome?"

Clothing was sliding while they struggled, and the girl from the future suddenly realized that if she didn't take care of things quickly, she would be making another of Mirokou's dreams come true. "I'll explain later, just aim for the nose!"

A flailing elbow must have hit something sensitive, because the inuyoukai suddenly leaned back. Sango followed it up with a rap to the nose and a growl of her own. Sesshomaru grudgingly released the girls, but sat so close to them that his clothing was brushing Kagome's arm. She gave her top a quick tug, ignoring yet another disappointed sigh from the monk.

"You know, I kind of feel bad for him."

"What?" Sango finished straightening her clothes and stared at her friend. "Why do you feel bad for him?"

"I don't know about demons, but I've heard that if a guy is . . . well, you know for too long it hurts." Tipping her head to the side, Kagome studied the inuyoukai. "I wonder if he hurts."

"What hurts?"

"His . . . you knows." Kagome made a vague gesture towards the inuyoukai, somewhat centered on his lap. "Should I be worried about him? Hey, Inuyasha?"

The hanyou was glaring down at them. It lost some effect with Kirara curled up around his shoulders, and with the bright blush. "There is no way I'm gonna' answer that."

"At least tell me if I should be worried about him."

"I'm not talking about this!"

"But, he's not thinking straight! What if, you know, _it _falls off or something?"

Inuyasha started snorting. "I'm not that lucky."

"I don't think he knows he can go take care of it himself."

A single bird called as the entire camp stared at Kagome. Including the inuyoukai in question.

"What?"

Mirokou tried to put his eyeballs back in his head. "Kagome, I am continually impressed by the level of education they provide you with in your time."

'Oops. Forgot the time thing again. I'm not supposed to know about guy stuff, especially not _that_ kind of guy stuff.' Kagome's face felt hot enough to cook up some eggs, and she suddenly found her feet fascinating. "Well, it's not exactly a class or something."

"Pity, I'm sure it would be fascinating for all of the students."

"Just perverts like you, monk." Inuyasha dropped to the ground and stuffed his hands in his sleeves. "Can we stop talking about the bastard's little problem?"

"Um, Kagome, I don't think I'm following." Sango was blushing almost as brightly as Kagome, but she also had the same expression she wore when she was attempting to master a new technique. "Why is Sess-chan hurting? And why didn't you want him to get off?"

Kagome took one look at Inuyasha's mutinous expression, and leaned over to hiss in Sango's ear, "Later, in the hot springs."

The slayer gave a quick nod.

"So, who's in the mood for breakfast?"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So many reviews! I feel so loved! I will reemphasize, this is a piece of random crack. It will only be updated when I am fighting with my muse, and we decide to declare a truce over a lovely bottle of merlot. A million thanks to my kind reviewers, though. You are at least partially responsible for me breaking out the merlot tonight. There is no plot, there are no pairings. Just random, twisted scenes that would never, ever happen in a manga that I do not own. You've been warned!

----

There was no getting around it. Shard hunting was hard work. The group of brave hunters had walked from one end of Japan to the other, looking for shards that were the size of Shippou's pinkie. Of course, the shards had the nastiest habit of getting picked up by youkai that would promptly decide that they were big and bad and should take over the world. It made the process even more difficult. But somehow, the group had managed to trudge on with nothing more then the occasional blister and earth shaking battle to break up their days. That is, until Kagome got a new pet.

"Inuyasha, we haven't stopped since breakfast. It's time to stop!" Kagome paused to shake a rock out of her shoe.

"Look, we got a late start this morning, so we've got a lot of ground to make up!" Inuyasha yelled from down the road. Usually he would have done his yelling right in her face, but there was a rather large and horny inuyoukai that was stuck to her like glue. It was just easier to yell at her from a distance.

"What's the rush? We're not even sure that this rumor is any good. All we know is that there is supposed to be a youkai north of here that's causing problems with crops. A youkai doesn't need to have a shard for that."

"It's the best lead we've got, and we need to get there before it gets away!"

"No, drop it!" Sango drove her elbow into Sesshomaru's nose with impressive accuracy. Not surprising, considering the amount of practice she had been getting. "I think we should take a stop. It's almost time for dinner, anyways."

Sesshomaru whimpered a bit and moved around to Kagome's side. In a new habit, the young lady reached up to drag her fingers through his hair. "Behave, Sess-chan. If we stop, I'll make ramen. Is that alright, Inuyasha?"

"Then what're we standing around here for?" Inuyasha turned and sniffed the air, already bounding down the road. "There's water this way."

Sango shook her head as she set out after the hanyou, followed closely by Kagome and Sesshomaru. "It's just too easy to manipulate him."

"It puts him in a better mood then the beads." Kagome smiled mischievously. "He's been in a really awful mood since Sess-chan found us."

"I know. It's going to be a long week. Especially if Inuyasha is right and Sess-chan is just going to keep getting worse."

Kagome looked back over her shoulder, smiling at the inuyoukai that was so obviously guarding them. "I think it's going to be okay. So long as we can keep him under control. It's like my friend Yuri and her dog. So long as you show them who's in charge of the pack, they'll follow you."

"And you think that's what's going on? Sess-chan thinks that you're in charge of the pack?"

"I guess so. And probably you too, after you started growling back."

Sango blushed a bit. "It just kind of happened."

"It's all about pack order." Kagome took on her best lecturing voice. "There is a leader to every pack, and there is a very clear order about who is in charge of whom. So long as Sess-chan thinks that he is lower in the pack then us, then he will do what we say."

"Really?"

"Of course. You should try it with Miroku." Kagome giggled and danced back a couple of steps to put herself out of her friend's range.

"Miroku's too dense to learn from getting hit with rocks. What makes you think growling will work any better?" Sango huffed, shifting Hiriakotsu to a more comfortable position.

"Good point. I hope Inuyasha found a hot spring. Our bath got cut off last night, and maybe Miroku will stay away now."

"Don't bet on it."

----

"This could be a problem."

Kagome and Sango stood staring at Sesshomaru, who was staring right back at them. The two girls had bathing supplies clutched in their hands and a hot spring at their back. The problem was that their new guard dog seemed to think that looking away was a very bad idea.

"Got any suggestions, Kagome?"

"I'm thinking that this is a good time for you to start wearing that bathing suit I got you. I don't think he's going away."

The slayer fidgeted, looking at her pack and then back at their new pet. "But, it's so indecent!"

"Better then being naked. I don't know about you, but I need a soak after the way Inuyasha marched us around today. Besides, Sess-chan isn't even going to notice the difference. He's already all over you."

"Good point. But keep him here." Sango ducked behind a tree, wiggling free of her kimono with all possible speed.

Kagome stepped right in front of Sess-chan and planted her hands on her hips when he started to move after her. "Wait, Sess-chan."

There was a faint whining, but the taiyoukai stayed where he was, leaning forward as though he might catch a glimpse of the other female.

"Your turn, Kagome-chan." Slowly, hesitantly, the slayer came out from her hiding place, decked out in black spandex. It was a conservative one piece, but to see her expression, you would think that she was wearing a micro bikini. She kept her kimono in front of her, blushing hotly under Sess-chan's intense stare. It was visible when she decided to take this problem head on. Her eyes narrowed and her posture straightened as she marched over to her friend. Sango took up Kagome's position and stance, staring the naughty young canine right in the eyes while Kagome disappeared to stumble and curse behind the tree. "Are you alright, Kagome-chan?"

"Fine, fine. It's hard enough to get into a swimsuit without having to do it in a forest with no light." After a few more phrases that had most definitely been learned from Inuyasha, Kagome returned to the hot spring. She was more comfortable in her white swimsuit, but she found herself crossing her arms over her body self consciously when the taiyoukai turned his attention to her. "Come on, Sango. The water isn't going to get any hotter."

It was a relief for both young women to slip into the water. For once they did not have to worry about pervert monks coming to watch them. Sess-chan would scent him in an instant, and the monk knew it. For once they were promised a nice, quiet soak. Kagome smiled across the spring to her friend, waving some of the steam away from her face. "This is worth dealing with a bathing suit, and you know it."

"Sure, sure, Kagome-chan." Sango did a small eye roll before dunking her head under the water. When she came up, she pulled her hair over her shoulder. "But it is still so . . . "

Kagome looked away from her own hair when her friend stopped talking. "So comfy? Flattering? They say black is very sliming, and with that armor of yours . . . " She let her own voice trail off as she noticed the expression on Sango's face. She had gone white, as in so white that for a second Kagome wondered if she had stopped breathing. Her eyes were enormous, almost bulging out of their sockets, and her hands had a death grip on her hair. "Sango?"

A soft whimper was the only response. Kagome whipped her head around, looking for the threat. 'How did something get past Sess-chan? Where did he go? Did something hurt Sess-chan? Wait a minute, aren't those his fancy hakama . . . ' There was a splash in the spring, and the miko whipped her head back around. Sango had not moved, but there were ripples spreading out from the middle of the spring. "Sango, was that . . . "

"Uh huh." The powerful, beautiful slayer clung to the edge of the spring with a terrified expression, staring at the water.

"Is it him in the water?"

"Uh huh."

Kagome darted across the spring, grabbing her friend by the shoulders. "Was he wearing anything?!"

"Nuh uh."

Two pairs of eyes searched the still surface of the hot spring. Night had fallen, and they could not see to the bottom of the spring, especially where it sloped away into an abyss. A bubble surfaced, and both young women startled back, but nothing appeared. Kagome could feel her breath coming in rapid pants. 'Just when you thought it was safe to soak in the hot spring. Why can't I get the theme from Jaws out of my head?!'

The water surged right in front of them, and both girls screamed before hauling back and punching the monster from the deep in unison. The mass of white fell back into the water, disappearing into the dark once again.

Sango eased away from the bank, trying to spot the mysterious creature. "Where did he go?"

"I don't know." The miko clung to her friend as they eased further into the water. "Can taiyoukai drown?"

"I guess so. It's not like he is a fish youkai or anything." Sango hesitantly poked her foot out, trying to locate him by touch since her eyes were failing her.

"Oh no. What if he drowns? Oh my god, I killed Sess-chan!"

The water rippled again. The two girls scrambled back for the bank, eyes frantic, but this time the water simply parted to allow a head to emerge. A head with a pair of annoyed red eyes and hair hanging down in heavy strands. With his pointed ears showing clearly through his soaked hair, Kagome suddenly had the impression of a wet and very unhappy Chihuahua.

Snickering to herself, Kagome eased her death grip on Sango's arm. "Are you going to behave now, Sess-chan?"

The blood red eyes narrowed, but the taiyoukai rose and stood without advancing on them. The water lapped at his hips, revealing all of his perfect form, right down to the small dips just above where his thighs met his body. The snow white hair fell over his shoulders and down his back, disappearing into the water. There was nothing here that resembled a Chihuahua of any kind. This was nothing short of masculine perfection.

"Holy hell." Kagome reached over to push Sango's chin up, snapping her mouth shut while the miko swallowed hard. Twice. "Remind me to make sure that Inuyasha never, ever kills him. Ever. And I owe him a sit for the arm."

"Sure thing." Taking a deep breath, Sango straightened up from her crouch. "Wow. I never realized that he had more of those stripes."

"I kind of like the ones on his hips."

"The ones disappearing into the water? Yeah, those are my favorites, too."

The two young women visibly shook themselves out of the very happy, very dirty places that their minds had wandered off to. Sango gathered herself back together first. "Well? What do we do with him now?"

Kagome worried her bottom lip with her teeth. "There is this one thing I always promised myself I would do if I could get Inuyasha in a hot spring with me. Sess-chan will work just as well."

----

"Hey, Kagome-chan! Sango-chan! Inuyasha's getting really mean and . . . what are you three doing?"

"Oh, hi, Shippou-chan!" Kagome looked down at her hands, Sess-chan, and Sango. It probably looked a bit weird to the kit. "Well, it's always been a little fantasy of mine, and since I had the chance, I just kind of took it."

Shippou perched on the edge of the hot spring, staring at the threesome. "But, it's Sesshomaru!"

"That doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve a little extra attention every once in a while."

"I'm starting think that Inuyasha's right, and you're kind of crazy."

"What?" Kagome splashed her hands in the water to rinse off the suds. "I can't imagine that it's easy for Sess-chan to keep this much hair looking nice, especially with only one arm, and I have always wanted a chance to do this. It feels so nice, and once it's brushed out, Sango and I are going to braid it up for him. It'll be less work for him while he's in his . . . _condition_."

The slayer nodded from the other side of Sess-chan, still scrubbing away at his hair and scalp while the taiyoukai rested in the water, eyes half closed with pleasure. "It is kind of fun to play with this much hair."

"I still think you're both crazy." Shippou gave the tableau before him another look. "Hey, is he wearing anything?"

"Don't be silly, Shippou-chan. Go back and tell Inuyasha that we will be there soon." Kagome set back to work on her side of Sess-chan's hair while she held her breath, waiting to see if Shippou would peacefully leave. "I do have a box of pocky if you'll do me this one favor."

"I'm on it!"

There was a poof of dust as the kit disappeared back into the woods, heading back towards camp. The miko sagged a bit, leaning on Sess-chan. "That was close."

"They're both going to have fits when they hear that Sess-chan was bathing with us." Sango dropped her half of the soft, white hair into the hot spring, carefully rinsing the shampoo away.

"Probably." Kagome moved around to the front of their pet, shaking her head. "It's not that big of a deal. We're both dressed."

"Yes, but he's not."

"Details, details." Kagome smiled and cupped some water in her hands. "Okay, Sess-chan, I need you to close your eyes so I don't get shampoo in them."

The blood red eyes were fixed on her in an unwavering stare. Specifically, the gaze was fixed on her mouth. One pale hand emerged from the water, touching her lips softly. Kagome's breath caught at the gentle touch, backed with the intense gaze. The finger started to trail slowly over her skin. Heat sprung to life as it traveled down her chin, down her throat, and paused to trace her collar bone. Soft pants filled the air between then, and it took a long moment for Kagome to realize that those pants were coming from her. 'Oh, man. I was not ready for this. Humping my leg? That's easy. It's annoying, and a little disgusting. But this?' After the brief detour at her collar bone, the finger started to trail down again, snagging on the edge of her swimsuit.

With a loud splash and flailing limbs, Kagome backed away. Sango looked up with a curious expression, her focus on the perfect hair shattered. "What's wrong, Kagome-chan?"

"I may have just discovered a little problem with our plan to keep him with us."

----

"What the hell did you do to him?"

"You know, for someone that's supposed to hate him, you seem to worry about him an awful lot." Kagome dropped her pack by the campfire.

"Of course I hate him, wench, but you're just cruel!" Inuyasha's ears went flat against his head. "I mean, come on! Sure, he's a complete bastard, but that?"

Kagome reached up to run her fingers along one of the many braids that kept Sesshomaru's hair out of the way. "It's practical."

"There are pink things in his hair! And they sparkle! He looks retarded!"

"Osuwarii!"

----

A/N: I know Kagome kind of butchered her description of pack order. It's what she knows, not me.


End file.
